This is an internet classic, but I thought I'd post it here, 'cause their so damn funny!
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."